The Ampersand

Strategy and Tips for the Hollywood Stock Exchange (HSX)

Top X Smartass Comments To Make To Britney Spears If You See Her Out on the Street Now That She’s Bald and Has a Tattoo

Oh, who cares about the openers? There’s exactly one funny thing that happened this week, and we would be remiss indeed if we did not present the Top X Smartass Comments To Make To Britney Spears If You See Her Out on the Street Now That She’s Bald and has a Tattoo.

15.  ”Hey, Brit, you know, when they told you bald was beautiful, they were talking about your hoohah.”

14.  “I’ve got you in the Death Pool dying of accidental ingestion of sleeping pills following a three-way with Gary Coleman.  Still a good bet?”

13.  “Who loves ya, baby one more time?”

12.  “Congratulations; you’ve made K-Fed look sane.”

11.  “Not to mention Michael Jackson!”

10.  “Not to mention Mariah Carey!”

9.  “Not to mention Whitney Houston!”

8. “Not to mention the Olsen twins!”

7.  “Hey Britney, now the drapes match the carpet.”

6.  “So, what was it, lice? I bet it was lice.”

5.  “Damn, that bouncer’s hot!”

4.  “Nice; that’s the Natalie Portman look, right? Except she got paid to shave her hair. And she managed to get into college. And her movies do enough box office to make Crossroads look pathetic. But other than that…”

3. “You know, if you can’t hack rehab at Eric Clapton’s house in Antigua, you really can’t hack rehab.”

2.  “I feel bad for your kids.”

1.  “”So, Brit, did you know I contribute to Top X?” (What the hell, she’s got no standards anymore…)”

 

You know, this isn’t really all that funny. Craig Ferguson is right, we shouldn’t really make fun of her… oh, who am I kidding? Your Top X contributors are:
15. BlueDuck
14. Hose311
13. Huy
12. BlueDuck
11. Jimmy Impossible
10. Selat
9. Selat
8. BlueDuck
7. BeavisLasVegas
6. Efil
5. House311
4. BlueDuck
3. BlueDuck
2. SilberSurfer
1. Hose311
Posted by blueduck in Top X (February 24, 2007 at 8:13 am) / Permalink

Comments: 0

The Top X Things People Say When Their Skull Keeps Catching on Fire

Ghost Rider is coming out this weekend, which features Nicolas Cage with his hair on fire, which is a big improvement over him hollering “Put the bunny back in the box” in Con Air.  But we at Top X wondered about the practicality of turning into a spirit with a flaming skull all the durn time, so we present to you The Top X Things People Say When Their Skull Keeps Catching on Fire.

15.   “At least liars can take their pants off.”

14.  “Flame off! Flame OFF!  FLAME OFFF!” 

13.  “I’d like a convertible please. Yes I’m aware it’s raining.”

12.  “Hello, I’m going door to door selling fire extinguishers…”

11.  “I am not a Bunsen burner.  I am a human being.  A man.”
 
10.  “Don’t look at me for ideas.  It’s a bunch of flames, not a light bulb.”

9.  “I call it the “Don Kingsford” look.”

8.  “Hey, Trump!  You’re my head!”

7.  “Get those goddamn marshmallows out of here!”

6.  “What do you mean I’m not allowed on the rope ladder?”

5.  “Stop smoking?  I wish I could *start*!”

4.  “Sweetie, it’s a great present.  Of course I like it.  And I understand that you spent a lot of time knitting it for me.  But, you know, it’s a hat.  And I have that condition.  You know.  The skull on fire thing?  So….”

3.  “That’s very funny officer.  Where’s the fire.  Never heard that one before.  Just write the ticket, a$$hole.”

2.  “You have fire insurance, right?”

1.  “I’ll tell you one thing, that’s the last transatlantic flight I ever make on a dirigible.”

 

It tingles – that’s how you know our Top X team is working:
15. Hose311
14. TWuG
13. Obiah
12. Alf
11. TWuG
10. Hose311 / Ultimate Frisbee
9. TWuG
8. Hose311
7. TWuG
6. Obiah
5. Hose311
4. BlueDuck
3. Silber Surfer
2. Obiah
1. TWuG
Posted by blueduck in Top X (February 16, 2007 at 8:44 am) / Permalink

Comments: 0

Top X Alternate-Universe Super Bowl Halftime Shows

So the Super Bowl is over for another year, and Prince is still a freak, but we knew that.  What we don’t know is how the big game would play out in any of the billions of other alternate universes — like the one where Tony Romo led the Dallas Cowboys to victory over the Montreal Dancing Ostriches.  So we present the Top X Alternate-Universe Super Bowl Halftime Shows: 

10. The Adult Swim Exploding Billboard Extravaganza
9. The Pharmaceutical Industry Presents: A Tribute to Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin!
8. The Broadway cast of “Osama, We Love You!” sings their Tony Award winning song “Osama rhymes with Obama!”
7. “The John Mellencamp Jingoistic Appeal to American Patriotism, sponsored by Kia
6. Troy Aikman’s Big Gay Salute to Flamenco!
5. Legends of Rock, featuring Buddy Holly, Ricky Nelson, and Otis Redding in Concert, sponsored by Nev-R-Crash Airplanes
4. The Billy Joel “Kicks Off A World Tour Even Though He Hasn’t Released An Album In 15 Years Spectacular”!
3. The Zinedine Zidane headbutt-a-thon
2. Peyton Manning in Concert, sponsored by Sprint, Mastercard, XBox, Gatorade, DirecTV, and Reebok

And, wardrobe malfunctioning its way to  #1:
1. Up with Nipples

Bringing you this week’s scoop:
10.  Nitemare
9.  Mr. Hub
8.  TWuG
7.  TWuG
6.  BlueDuck
5.  BlueDuck
4.  Silber Surfer
3.  Huy!
2.  Nitemare
1.  BlueDuck
Posted by blueduck in Top X (February 5, 2007 at 8:14 pm) / Permalink

Comments: 0